


Loved

by Bubbly_Kandy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (I know thats canon), Angst, Implied Child Abuse, Jared Kinda.... doesnt want to exist, Jared is in 9th grade, Suicidal Thoughts, Written like a diary entry, insecure jared, jared has adhd, oof, sorry - Freeform, trans jared klienman, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 05:32:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12336468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbly_Kandy/pseuds/Bubbly_Kandy
Summary: Jared writes a angry journal entry.





	Loved

_Dear diary_

_I WANT TO KILL_

_I WANT TO KILL_

_I WANT TO KILL_

_I WANT DEATH_

_I WANT TO GO_

_I DON’T LIKE IT HERE_

_I WANT DEATH_

_I WANT TO CEASE TO EXIST_

_I HATE IT HERE_

_I WANT TO DIE_

_LET ME GO_

_I WANT TO LEAVE_

_I HATE IT HERE_

_I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT_

_I’M A DISAPPOINTMENT_

_The saddest part? I cant tell anyone_

_I will be told to ‘stop having a pity party’ and ‘get over it’_

_Maybe when I leave_

_Then people will regret what they have done_

_I don’t want to stop existing_

_I didn’t want to exist in the first place_

_I hate it here_

_I always have to be the peppy, smiling kid who is never sad_

_And when I show the slightest bit of a negative emotion, I am_

_Ridiculed_

_Pitied_

_Hated_

_Mocked_

_Teased_

_Even by my own family members_

_I cant always be the happy kid_

_I need to show emotion_

_But I can never do that_

_You say i have ADHD but you never look deeper_

_Never see why i explode_

_Never let me show anything other than a smile_

_Never let me stand up for myself_

_I am_

_Mocked_

_For having opinions_

_You praise my grades but never my wit_

_Never my creativity past a quick ‘good job’_

_Never let me talk about my feelings_

_Maybe im being dramatic_

_Because im always dramatic_

_Sad? Dramatic_

_Mad? Dramatic_

_Depressed? Dramatic and faking it_

_I get over stimulated at school, and thats why im stressed_

_Kids are too_

_Loud_

_But when i say that im_

_Mocked_

_Teased_

_Told im ‘faking it’_

_Faking?_

_When you remember that i have feelings too_

_When im not the perfect child you want_

_Im faking it?_

_Im sorry_

_Im sorry i cant be perfect_

_Perfect_

_What a strange word_

_What is perfection?_

_Not me_

_Not you_

_Not anyone_

_No one is perfect_

_No one alive_

_I want to feel_

_But i cant_

_Because im being ‘dramatic’_

_Im scared to talk to you_

_Im scared youre going to_

_Tease_

_Mock_

_Ridicule_

_Be disgusted in_

_Me because im showing emotion_

_I dont like to be forced to do things_

_Its not my generation, its my personality_

_I dont like dresses_

_Maybe sometimes_

_But not_

_Pink ones_

_I like dressing like a boy_

_Please dont be disgusted_

_I am not your pretty in pink girly girl_

_I like to_

_Run_

_Laugh loudly_

_Dance_

_Be free_

_But as a girl i need to_

_Sit_

_Be pretty_

_Marry someone_

_Laugh politely_

_Never be mad_

_Never be sad_

_Only smile and nod_

_I need to be_

_Perfect_

_But i cant_

_I_

_Am_

_A_

_Boy_

_Not a girl_

_Im sorry_

_I try_

_I always try_

_I try to remember where i put things_

_I swear i do_

_But i cant_

_My brain is a awful place_

_I can never focus_

_Never_

_Sit_

_Never_

_Be quiet_

_Never_

_Be still_

_I dont know why_

_add and adhd are so strange_

_I try to fight_

_But i cant_

_I try to focus_

_But i cant_

_I try to remember everything_

_But i cant_

_Why me?_

_Why do i do this?_

_For attention?_

_Maybe_

_For affection?_

_Maybe_

_For someone to listen to me?_

_Youre reading this, arent you?_

_Im not saying this aloud_

_Im typing_

_Telling you words through text_

_Ive always been a good writer_

_Im always_

_Loved_

_For it_

_I like feeling loved_

_I want to feel it daily_

_Not just when i_

_Get a good grade_

_Say ‘i love you’_

_Give you a gift_

_I want to feel it even when im like_

_This_

_What is this?_

_I feel_

_Depressed_

_Anxious_

_Stressed_

_Unloved_

_Im sorry if youre reading this and you have no idea why im saying this_

_I dont know why im saying this_

_Is this poetry?_

_Could people relate to this?_

_Maybe_

_If people see it_

_I wonder if someone will read this_

_What would they think?_

_That i shouldnt be thinking like this?_

_That theres something wrong with me?_

_I wonder_

_Im only 14_

_I should be_

_Happy_

_And i am_

_I am so happy_

_But theres times_

_Times where i fake it_

_Guess youre right_

_I am faking_

_Im just a liar_

_Lies_

_All day_

_I try to tell the truth_

_But the truth is scary_

_I dont like feeling like this_

_Its a_

_Bad_

_Feeling_

_But im scared to talk_

_Scared to_

_Feel_

_Anything_

_Feelings are scary_

_Its hard to talk_

_So hard to_

_Speak_

_I want to tell you_

_I want to tell you everything_

_About_

_School_

_Life_

_My head_

_But youre too busy_

_You never listen to me_

_And thats ok_

_Who wants to listen to a 14 year old?_

_I wouldnt_

_I wouldnt listen to a word i say_

_Huh_

_But yet_

_Words spoken by children are some of the truest out there_

_Funny how that works_

_Maybe children only qualifies to cute ones_

_Young ones_

_The ones who_

_Listen_

_The ones who_

_Obey_

_The ones who are_

_Normal_

_But im not any of those things_

_Im_

_Ugly_

_Loud_

_Dumb_

_Forgetful_

_Not perfect_

_And im sorry_

_I wish i could be_

_A perfect child_

_But i cant_

_I strive for love_

_But fall short_

_I try to be angelic_

_But my devil shines through_

_I try to be like the Lord_

_But i cant_

_Im sorry_

_I seem to apologize a lot, huh?_

_Apologies are strange_

_You beg for forgiveness_

_And yet_

_Nothing happens_

_A apology is a_

_Band aid_

_On a broken bone_

_Apologies are empty_

_Nothing_

_And yet_

_Theyre everything_

_Its funny_

_Not haha funny_

_But thoughtful funny_

_Maybe ill change_

_Ill be better_

_Ill be_

_Good_

_Happy_

_Nice_

_Respectful_

_Sweet_

_Thoughtful_

_But maybe ill stay the same_

_Mean_

_Bad_

_Forgetful_

_Ugly_

_Sad_

_Sadness_

_I feel bad for the emotion_

_What a strange thing to say_

_But i do_

_Sadness is seen as_

_Weak_

_But really_

_Sadness is good_

_Its good to cry_

_To be_

_Alone_

_I want to be left alone sometimes_

_Alone to feel_

_Alone to cry_

_Alone to heal_

_Being alone is healing_

_No one being_

_Loud_

_Interrupting_

_Intrusive_

_That sounds mean_

_But_

_Im always mean_

_Guess thats me as a_

_Person_

_Im_

_Mean_

_I try not to be_

_But_

_My head is fuzzy_

_I feel_

_Disconnected_

_From everything_

_Its an odd feeling_

_Floating_

_Feeling adrift_

_But yet_

_Its soothing_

_So nice_

_Just to be_

_Fuzzy_

_No feelings_

_Just_

_There_

_I want to feel like that all the time_

_Not just when i_

_Cry_

_And_

_Scream_

_It feels like im in a sea_

_A sea of_

_Nothing_

_And yet_

_Everything_

_Was i your everything?_

_When i was born, did you love me?_

_Did you expect me to become like_

_This_

_Your child grew to be_

_Mean_

_Rude_

_Ugly_

_Loud_

_A disappointment_

_Was it worth it?_

_Or do you regret it?_

_I would regret it if it were_

_Me_

_But im not you_

_Youre_

_You_

_Im_

_Me_

_When i hugged you, did you love me?_

_Do you_

_Still_

_Love me?_

_Or do you_

_Hate_

 

_Being my family?_

_I would_

_Family is nice_

_But_

_Our family_

_Im told im_

_Fat_

_And_

_Clumsy_

_And_

_Weird_

_I dont like it_

_Why do people say that?_

_Does it make them feel_

_Good?_

_What kind of world is this_

_A world where_

_Hate is normal_

_Being different is celebrated but_

_When you are different_

_You are_

_Ridiculed_

_Do people like the idea of being different?_

_Is it a concept to them?_

_A concept of being_

_Unique_

_And they hold it on a pedestal_

_But when_

_Someone is different_

_They_

_Mock_

_Them_

_What a strange place_

_Strange people_

_We are all different but yet_

_All just grains of sand_

_All different_

_But yet_

_We arent different at all_

_Noises are_

_Bad_

_Talking is_

_Bad_

_I want people to_

_Shut up_

_And_

_Leave me alone_

_But they never do_

_You never_

_Leave me alone_

_I want to be_

_Alone_

_Where its_

_Quiet_

_Theres no_

_Bad_

_Noises_

_Just_

_Silence_

_But yet_

_You talk_

_Yell_

_Scream_

_And its too_

_Loud_

_But im told im_

_Weird_

_For not liking_

_Sounds_

_For not liking_

_People_

_And i try_

_But people make my head_

_Hurt_

_And my skin feel_

_Crawly_

_But i cant say it_

_I sound like im being dumb_

_Like im being_

_Dramatic_

_So i keep quiet_

_Away from_

_Anger_

_Hurt_

_Frustration_

_But its killing me_

_I cant keep doing this_

_Ill explode_

_And itll be_

_All_

_My_

_Fault_

_Im sorry_

_This is a paper written by a 14 year old_

_And yet_

_Its 21 pages long_

_Huh_

_The physical copy is_

_Big_

_And yet i feel so_

_Small_

_Writing this_

_I feel_

_Insignificant_

_And its a_

_Scary_

_Feeling_

_22 pages now_

_Should i feel proud?_

_Proud of what?_

_My head still hurts_

_I still need to go through my day_

_Guess the world doesnt_

_Stop_

_For me_

_I want it too_

_A foolish dream_

_But imagine_

_The world stops_

_Its still_

_No one talks_

_No one moves_

_Its quiet_

_Its_

_Peaceful_

_What a nice dream_

_It makes me feel ok_

_When nothing else does_

_That dream makes me feel_

_Alive_

_What a dumb statement_

_I know youre thinking that_

_Im thinking it too_

_But still_

_23 pages_

_Of what?_

_Anger?_

_Hurt?_

_Sadness?_

_Who knows_

_Im gonna reread this soon_

_Laughter will be heard_

_As i look through my thoughts_

_Thoughts of_

_Selfishness_

_Anger_

_Sadness_

_Depression_

_Stress_

_None of which can describe_

_Me_

_24 pages_

_Haha_

_I wonder who i am_

_Inside_

_Deep inside_

_Where i hide away_

_I would like to meet that person_

_Talk to them_

_Know them_

_Learn about them_

_That would be_

_Beautiful_

_But im_

_Scared_

_Of that person_

_But maybe_

_Maybe theyre insecure_

_Like me_

_That would be nice to_

_Talk_

_To them_

_25 pages_

_Insecurity and adhd feel so weird mixed together_

_Insecurity_

_Is a strange feeling_

_Period_

_I want to talk_

_But im afraid_

_Of what?_

_I talk anyways_

_I feel like i dont_

_Belong_

_I want to belong_

_Belonging to something is nice_

_To be_

_Loved_

_This is so long_

_And yet_

_Theres probably only 1000 words_

_Funny_

_My friend has anxiety_

_Im not as important as them_

_Anxiety is_

_Bad_

_And adhd is_

_Annoying_

_No one talks about adhd_

_Only anxiety_

_Depression_

_Bpd_

_And so many others_

_But never adhd_

_Im written off as_

_Hyper_

_Silly_

_Nothing more_

_But really_

_I am_

_Forgetful_

_Anxious_

_Insecure_

_I get_

_Over stimulated_

_Depressed_

_Mad_

_Sad_

_In a matter of seconds_

_Everything_

_And yet_

_To others_

_I_

_Am_

_Nothing_

_I want to be_

_Something_

_Anything_

_Just not_

_Ignored_

_27 pages_

_This is the most ive ever written_

_And its all_

_Anger_

_How weird_

_I dont know how to end this_

_Its just a diary entry_

_Journal?_

_Who knows_

_I say diary because its more fun to say_

_Whatever_

_I should probably stop writing_

_28 pages is enough_

_Bye_

  
_I guess_

_\- Jared Klienman_

_9th grade_

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely vent, but I feel a little better now, so it's okay :)


End file.
